Matushka to the Rescue

The (non) dating continues over here in Tall Ray of Sunshine land. It’s not so much a lack of options, more a lack of opportunity and a plethora of shy males. Seriously, do I have invisible snakes growing out of the back of my head? Do I have “Only Friend Material” or “Don’t Ask Me Out” on my forehead underneath the “Tell Me Your Problems“?

Enter The Khouria. Or the Matushka. Whatever your tradition: The Parish Matriarch. While I typically call my Priest’s ethnic Lebanese Wife “Khouria” – for the sake of alliteration in this post, I’ll stick with “Matushka”.

A few weeks ago, I listed as point Number 5: “Let your Khouria/Matushka know that you are open to marriage. She knows people.” I have followed my own advice for over a year now. My Matchmaking Matushka has her eyes open for Orthodox Males for me and other single women in the parish. She does know people – the single male looking for a wife type of people – and suggests options at various times. This is perfectly fine with me. I’ve told her to meddle away and have been open to 2 of her 3 suggestions. The third suggestion was someone who didn’t have a clue where he was going in life, and the Matchmaking Matushka completely understood. However, let’s get back to the 2 I was/am open to thinking about.

In 10 years of people’s attempts at setting me up, I have come to the conclusion that introducing two people in hopes that they will “figure it out” is not the way to set them up. The guy needs encouragement that the girl is interested; the girl just needs to not be blindsided when communication is established. Also, forcing people together on a date is not the best way to set them up either. [Maybe I’ll tell that story later]. At least, that is my experience. Yours could be completely different.

Anyway, while I appreciate suggestions for interesting and interested males, there is one aspect of the process of boy meets girl that Matchmaking Matushkas and Yente-wanna-bes need to include in the plan: convince OrthoBoy that he needs to ask OrthoGirl on a bona fide date. My experience over the years with people trying to play Yente or Cupid is like this:

1. See me and boy interact
2. Think that boy and I are perfect for each other
3. Ask me what I think about boy. Positive response is given.
4. No urging of boy to ask me out OR person attempts to make a plan so elaborate that it will never work

Therefore, Matchmakers should remember to keep it simple – once clearance is heard from OrthoGirl that yes, she is open to getting coffee with the guy, go to OrthoBoy.  Suggest – if not demand, in the way that only Matushkas can – that he ask her out. Here is how I envision the conversation:

MatchmakingMatushka: So, OrthoBoy, I saw you talking with OrthoGirl.
OrthoBoy: Oh? What do you mean?
MM: She’s great and so are you. Ask her out.
OB: Huh? But we’re friends.
MM: I think it’s time you were more than friends. It’s just coffee. Ask her out.
OB: Huh? What! No, um, yes. But that changes everything.
MM: Seriously, what are you waiting for?!?! Get over there and start working on your martyr’s crown! Now!
OB: I’ll think about it.

A few more conversations might need to happen, but that’s the gist. Once  the type of person OrthoGirl wouldn’t mind sharing her life with in living matyrdom is established, find an OrthoBoy that suits a basic outline of what she wants. Then tell, if not push, him into asking her out on a date. That is, if he is thinking that a wife and family are in his future. There are some who are genuinely interested in monasticism.

Anyway, I have told my Matchmaking Matuska of my forehead tattoo predicament. That I don’t care which OrthoBoy steps up to the plate, just that one of them would. This probably makes me appear overly desperate for a date, but I want to assure my readership that I don’t see myself as an incomplete person for not having any current romantic attachments. I would just like to share my life with someone. And I was reminded this past September that even if you never get beyond the coffee date, it’s nice to have someone notice you. It’s nice to be reminded that you are attractive and desired company.

And that no snakes are growing out of the back of your head.



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