Change is.

Since my last post (#100), I’ve been moving, hence the HUGE gap in posting dates. I would have much preferred it to have occurred in August, but here I am, stuff packed – yet again – for storage and transport. I’m rather weary of the process. The sorting. The packing. The change.

While I’m not a fan of this temporary move before the “real” move, it is making me go through things. I just threw away about 5 pairs of socks, 3 useless sports bras, 2 well-worn jeans, and 10-15 t-shirts. My thrift store donation box is collecting items exponentially. Later this summer, I’ll be going through the old bridesmaid and prom dresses.

Yet, even though there are these small victories in overcoming “stuff-itis”, the change and transition feeds a part of me that is not content and rather weary. I have an inkling that it is due to all that I’m fearful, angry, and worried about for the summer and beyond. But for whatever reason, it is only slowly coming out. It would probably help if I could allow myself to cry, yet that isn’t coming so easily nor at convenient times these days.

I’m not the only one with impending change going in my life. In fact, most of my friends are preparing for some major life changes: babies, completed school work, career paths, relationships. It’s not that I feel left out on this one; I think I’m mainly jealous. My career aspirations and need to move at the end of the summer only seem to confirm my frustrations that my life is lonely and nomadic. I don’t know where the idea that stability is only found in marriage and having family started. Maybe I thought most of my wandering and adventure needed to occur in the past 8-10 years so that my 30s would be filled with nesting and “look how cool Mom was before I was born.”

Another question for me is why do I resist contentment. Why do I hold onto some unrealistic expectations that I can solely find fulfillment, peace, and contentment if I was dating/married? Why do I constantly compare myself to others and base my value/worth on what I suspecttheir view of me to be? Didn’t I spend 3-4 years in counseling to work through these things?!?!  But in counseling I learned to forgive myself. I had to see myself as human and full of mistakes in order to see others as humans and capable of hurting me and making mistakes. I can make all sorts of suppositions and “what ifs”, but in the end it comes down to whether or not I can forgive myself for making decisions about my career and relationships and see that none of the good about my current life and situation would be possible without the messy bits. But in my weakness, I revert to my expectations and tendencies: life would be more tolerable if I was married with kids by age 30; life would be more manageable if I had known before last year that I should pursue nursing; my faith would be more filled with peace if “things had gone my way”. Not one of the last three statements is true, no matter how much I feel that way.

I still fight the twinges of rejection. I still desire a home. I still fight the aches of loneliness. Some days I want to throw the glass bowl of contentment against a brick wall. I’m not thankful.

Sometimes I just wait it out, but lately I progress if I just name what is going on. Am I jealous? Tired? Angry? Whatever the reason, it at least helps me identify the source and admit my faults and weakness. And I have to embrace the reality that if I’m still being molded and shaped in both character and circumstance, God is not done with me yet.

I would like to package this post up with snazzy paper and a huge bow in the style of Lamentations 3:22-23. It is more the crumpled paper bag presentation. It’s where I’m at; not where I’d like to be, and yet because I know God will allow that which is best for me, He’ll give me what I need for the days ahead.



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