Criticism and Failure

The past two months, I’ve had a multitude of opportunities to fail and/or receive criticism in various situations. Work, school, home…and on really good days, I have received it in more than one place!

I do wish I actually had some words of wisdom to pass along for those of you who feel down due to your professional or personal shortfalls. Wouldn’t it be lovely if, in the multitude of personality inventories, we were also given hints on how we best receive confrontation and others noticing our flaws.

The word “failure” seems so final. Maybe because it’s associated with tests and information that you’ll never see again. You have no other opportunity to prove yourself capable. Situations are eased if you can call something a flaw, short-coming, fault – but never failure.

Some things, such as burnt cookies, I can look at and say, “It’s fixable. No one got hurt.” But if I make a mistake at work, I might not be told about it in front of a patient, but I do have to make it right and go back in their room to do whatever is needed. Or I need to come back later and fix charting, etc.  And it always seems that all my mistakes happen with one patient or one nurse each shift.

Then there’s school. I have yet to “bomb” a test, but there have been many times that I did not process the material well enough to get the grade I wanted. Or I didn’t do my paperwork well enough. There’s definitely an internal pressure that I have to make nursing work. I should be a good nurse. Good nurses are good students. Well, I haven’t exactly felt like a stellar student this semester. I love the patient interaction. I loathe the books. But I need the books to improve my patient interaction.

And at home, when I’m forgetful of my jobs and duties, I want to make excuses or cower in my room, fearful of others’ disapproval until I can prove that I am responsible. Well, at least until the next time I royally screw up.

With both self-imposed and other-imposed expectations, it’s been rather rough. Then to top it off, my finals week coincided with Holy Week. Great. Now I’m academically and spiritually mediocre.

I needed Pascha. Not just so Lent and the fasting could end. Rather, I needed to reminder that everyone needs to come to Pascha. The point of Pascha is to celebrate our Hope that Christ has Risen, He has defeated Death. No one, not even the strictest of monastics “does Lent well.” Regardless of your short-comings, your faults, your lack of virtue or sense, your failures – you come and receive the light.

I fear how many times I will need this lesson re-taught to me. Yet, thankful that God’s grace and mercy will be a constant presence as I am criticized or as I fail. It won’t be pretty. It will never give me a feeling of “Joyous day that I am told how I let someone down!” But I’ll take what I need to the cross and rest in the Hope of Christ.

What I Miss from My Protestant Days

So, it’s the week before Easter! (I love saying that to make people’s heads turn!) Yes, it’s one of those years that “Greek” Easter is WAY late. Oh well.

As I was experiencing Palm Sunday on April 28, I realized something for the first time since converting: There is only one thing I miss from my Protestant experience. Being a pesky convert to Orthodox Christianity, I have 25+ years of low-church Protestantism to frame my religious education and lay theological training. When I was still in my inquiry and catechism into Orthodoxy, I was answering a lot of questions from concerned Protestants, such as:

• Now that he’s dumped you, will you still go to the Orthodox church?
• Do you feel God is less approachable in prayer?
• Where is ____ in the Bible?
• Are the Orthodox Calvinists?

I attempted to answer these and many others with as much sense and grace as possible. I don’t miss the debates over Predestination/Calvinism vs. Free Will/Armenian. I don’t miss how some churches try to spice up their church service with new stage lights, decorations, a sermon series or bible study on the most recently published book, etc. I don’t miss the sanctuary being renamed to “Big Church” or “The Auditorium” or “God’s House” etc. I don’t miss the debates over “seeker sensitive” vs. “feeding the sheep.”

I definitely do not miss “P&W time” that is filled with repetitive words and bland music. (This will be its own post in the future).

I miss having a cup of coffee and breakfast before going to church.

Especially this last Sunday, I was seriously wanting pancakes and coffee with real cream. Between all the times I sang, “Lord, have mercy” or “Grant this, O Lord” and the longer hymns – I kept trying to focus on Christ triumphantly entering Jerusalem, “Hosanna in the Highest” … Coffee. Pancakes with eggs over easy.

For those of you unaware as to why this is a craving: If an Orthodox Christian is to partake of communion, he/she is to fast from bedtime/midnight until partaking of communion during Liturgy. There are other fasting guidelines during Lent, however, it still stays that if you are going to take communion, you should fast the night before and morning of. Some mornings, I feel fine. I make it through everything no complaint. Other mornings, there is a twinge, but I power through. The mornings like this past Sunday – I got to experience the grace of God and know that in my weakness he is strong. Mind you, I wasn’t all happy about this.

I was hungry. My back and knees hurt. (Lord, have mercy) I was sore. (Lord, have mercy) I was tired.  (Oh, thank God! We’re at the Creed.) I wanted nothing more than to cry and whine (When will I ever get to be parishioner that can sit whenever I want). My throat is drying out. (My help comes from the Lord who made heaven and earth.)

Yet, even on these “bad days” where I long for my simple cup of coffee with a crossword before church, I’m reminded that my inner struggle is exactly why I need The Orthodox Church. One of the prayers for the Eucharist (Communion) asks that it be given to each according to his need. As I partake, I’m reminded again that the Eucharist is given “for the remission of sins and everlasting life.”

Some days, my prayer is that Christ continue to refine me. Show me where I need to forgive and love more. Other days, my prayer is that I be reminded that I need Christ more than coffee and comfortable Sunday mornings.

Fortune Cookie Predicts Lent

Today, I attended a Health Literacy in-service. While there are plenty of things I could blog about from my 6.25 contact education hours, I would like to focus on my fortune from lunch.

A WISH WILL BE GRANTED AFTER A LONG DELAY.

I didn’t think that Chinese restaurants and fortune cookie companies knew about Lent. I have been wishing intently for cheese and meat and bacon and… …

6-ish weeks of Lent. Yep, I’d say that’s a long delay.

Still Going, Still Waiting

I woke up Saturday morning thinking about The Brain and Stewie. It has been a while since I wrote an update on his condition and life in their house. Stewie keeps me and a few other close friends posted on their daily activities and The Brain’s downward progress. Until medical research gives the world another picture of disease progression, there’s only one way for a person with ALS to progress  – downhill.

Saturday, shortly after I woke up, I thought of The Brain and all that has changed for him and Stewie since I left them in August. And I finally did something I’ve been needing to for about a month – I cried. The Brain is such a fighter, and if it weren’t for BiPAP machines that help him breathe, I am certain he would not still be alive. The news of this last week is that The Brain is losing more control over the last of his voluntary muscular functions (I’m toning this down for those of you more squeamish). He’s also battling over-production of saliva along with less ability to swallow. The risk of him falling out of equipment to help transfer him in and out of his wheelchair grows everyday. What he can eat without choking is a dwindling list. When he sleeps, his breathing pattern changes.

Someone asked me recently what I thought his timeline was, beings that The Brain has outlived every one of my guesses. I could only respond by saying the disease is a waiting game. Lungs with less than 10% of their usual function that are hardening will eventually stop oxygenating his body. For now, only one day at a time.

I’m heavily distracted tonight. Some of it is Lent (Remember, I’m Orthodox. Easter/Pascha hasn’t happened yet). Some of it is school – Oh, the guilt of my studying doused with heavy distractions never being enough. But I know part of my mind-wandering is The Brain and wondering how he is really doing.

How odd to be in the midst of Lent with The Brain and Stewie always in the back of my mind. This is a time of spiritual refocusing that culminates in the proclamation that “CHRIST IS RISEN FROM THE DEAD TRAMPLING DOWN DEATH BY DEATH. AND UPON THOSE IN THE TOMBS BESTOWING LIFE!” So, here I am to be celebrating the Risen Christ and the Hope he gives us over death, yet, each day greets The Brain with the reality that he is closer to death. While each of us is closer everyday, how much more sobering to see a person for whom it is a present reality rather than a passing thought.

During the Paschal service, we are reminded of the power of our Hope in Christ. “O Death, where is thy sting? O Hell, where is thy victory?”

It still doesn’t mean that while The Brain is alive I don’t feel the sting of his or Stewie’s suffering.

Being Human

Thank you for your patience while my apathy towards school turned into apathy on life. One reason I could tell it was apathy and not depression was that my bad attitude was focused on specific events (i.e. upcoming tests and the end of the semester) rather than anxiety over everything in life or general sadness at transition. I guess since I know that transition is coming and I can prioritize what needs to happen, I’m not feeling mowed over by life.

[Rather than “Geek Boss” as code for my employer, I have now decided upon “The Brain.” Other than his electrical engineering background, he has been consistently messing around with computer gadgets and programs. I tease him that he’s like “Brain” from Pinky and the Brain. NARF!]

Coming Soon…..

Sorry, folks. It’s been busy lately. In fact, I should probably not even be typing right now, as it is fueling my apathy and procrastination towards my two tests today.

Why, oh why, do the busiest academic times occur during Lent and Holy Week!?! (For those of you saying, “Um, Easter was last week.” – I celebrate according to the Orthodox calendar, known as “Greek Easter” to your friendly calendar printing presses. My Easter/Pascha is this next Sunday, April 15.)

“The Tough”

You’ve likely heard: “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.”

My grandmother has a keychain which says: “When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping.”

From my corner of the world, here’s what “the tough” does in the midst of all the “going”:

One of those days…

It’s been a day of cancellations for me. Today was the first time in almost 7 months that I haven’t needed to rise super early in order to open the bakery. I had hoped to enjoy my few extra hours of sleep, however, sleep isn’t coming easy to me these days. I’m super stressed about my Human Physiology mid-term next Monday (hence why you won’t be hearing from me for a while…..), thus once I am asleep, my brain appreciates the rest and doesn’t want to give up its Delta waves too easily.

However, I rose and tired to tidy up my house for a Lenten house blessing. This was supposed to be done before Lent began, yet {my schedule + my priest’s schedule + sudden illness = sudden cancellations}. So, after I had breakfast, vacuumed my entire house, and sat down for some studying, the message came: no house blessing. The words, “I KNEW IT!” came all too easily. Oh, well. I guess my house got vacuumed and I had about an hour’s worth of studying on the Endocrine system and various hormones. Try saying “Adrenocorticotropic hormone” five times!

Saint Who?

If you are unfamiliar with Sara Groves’ song, take a quick listen. I cry practically any time I hear it. Really.

December 2007: I walked into an Orthodox church for the very first time.

December 2009: I was Chrismated on a very cold and icy evening after a week of pre-Chrismation catastrophes.

December 2011: May I  introduce you to someone I have been getting to know the past few years – St. Kassiani

From: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kassia

Bye-Bye Meat, Cheese, and Elephant

March 1, 2009 – Finally was able to release a few tensions. This would probably be more effective if I posted around Lent, but I’m impatient…deal with it.